There will be days when my memories come knocking. Even gravity won’t keep my tears down; even you will feel my pain through my silence.
I was fourteen and you were my best friend. I talked to you under my covers because it was late and my parents had already told me to go to bed. It was the first time I stayed up past midnight talking to you, but it wouldn’t be the last. You shared about your dreamed resort that you want both of us will visit and having an adventure. The soft white sand, the peaceful place, and the warm blue sea you want to see together with me. When I hung up, you called me back because you forgot to wish me sweet dreams.
I was sixteen and you were my older brother’s friend. You send two pictures about your dreamed resort. “I love the path walks heading to Sunset Boulevard” you quoted in the bottom right of the pic. In the other picture, you were on the diving section smiling with a peace sign. The attractive color of the sea catches my attention. I want to go there. I was crying because this was the first time I ever felt like my heart was completely cracked in two. I wish I am that girl holding your right.
I was seventeen and you were the one I didn’t see coming. We were strangers who became friends. I threw the pictures you send to me last year because I can’t see myself had a chance to go to your dreamed resort with you. We were friends, who ended up becoming strangers.
I was nineteen and you were a quick fix. I was damaged and you were too. There were skin and desperate touches and whispered ‘Oh God, you make me feel so alive’. On one particular day, we were lying side by side. You turned to me and traced the waves of your dreamed resort on my spine. I sighed and you kissed me on the forehead. I never told you, but in that moment, I had never felt more naked.
I am turning twenty and air continues to fill my lungs. I belong to no one but myself. I am living without the shackles of my sadness. I slowly stepped forward and watch the beautiful waves moving to the left. This is where you took a picture with her. My tears running down and let myself jumped in the water. He was right it’s beautifully amazing down here many different sizes of coral reefs and school of fishes swimming above me. I smiled. This perfect place doesn’t deserve my sadness. I swim back to the top and get myself up to the ladder. I will cherish this day. I’m enjoying the surroundings, the trees, and the color of the stones, the beautiful voices of the waves, the tiny grasses and the little crab crawling on the big stone. I walked to the sea shore and decided to go to the Sunset Boulevard which is on the other side of the resort. When I arrived the place I was amazed of how soft of the sands. I can’t help myself but to rub my feet thoroughly and draw my name in the sand. I climbed on the big statue of a turtle and laugh at myself. I looked like a child. I went down and let myself discover the other spot of the resort. There are stairs going up so I climb. It is like a forest covered by brown leaves. There are also tables and chairs that everyone can have their mini picnic party. I walked on the edge and shouted his name. This place is breathtaking now I know why this place was his dreamed resort.
I found the perfect spot for the sunset. Isla Jardin is suited for soul searching. I know I will go back again and again in this place. This place reminds me of the photograph that caused my heartaches, the same place that healed the wound it etched in my heart. There will be days and there will be nights, but no matter how many days come between your sorrow and your happiness, I’ll be here. Because even on those days, it’s just another chance to be a little bit more just for you.
Haula Maeve Mohamad II-AB POLSCI
Photo credits to Jan Lester Demaala